Yes! We even say that to my other children when another child is having a meltdown. Or even if a child is having a meltdown at the part, I simply explain to my kids, "let's not stare. He's having a hard time and I think we can all say we've all had a hard time before."
First of all, I LOVE how you put references in your article. I'm totally going to start doing that. Do you have a complete reference list somewhere for those of us who love keeping up on our literature?
But to my main point. I was nodding in such agreement to toddler are normal. When I meet new families and build their occupational profiles, I always ask if their child tantrums. It's a bit of a trap, I admit. But the family's response - verbal and non-verbal - tells me so much about the family. ALL children 'tantrum' for lack of a better word. There's a huge variation in what it looks like and severity. But no child DOESN'T tantrum. And if they really don't - that gives me as a clinician a lot of information too. How is their dysregulation showing up.
Thank you for this wonderful article! I'm so excited to read more and Part 2.
The references are my thing and I love science communication. As a professor and a mom, I notice a lack of understanding of the science surrounding parenting, child development, and socioemotional health development in kids. I'm working on an overall references page, so stay tuned!
You're right that no child doesn't tantrum - and honestly, same for adults ;)
Agreed - I had a tantrum myself today. And I will look out for the reference list! I agree - I love science communication and it’s actually kind of my path to starting this online communication path. I have a pipeline dream of somehow doing education for families about how to look at these articles and make sense of them. It’s a dream!
Love this, Laura! I don't have kids but I have twin nieces who are 3yo. It's been amazing to see their emotional and cognitive development through the healthy attachment tactics that their parents use. It's cool to see the science behind it as I'm sure it'll help other parents!
I'm so glad this has rang true for you, even as an aunt! Isn't it amazing how their emotional and cognitive development just changes so much from 2 to 3?!
This was such a great article with science background. We used to think toddlers throw out tantrums in order to test us parents. I really appreciated how you pointed out tantrums as a developmental milestone rather than a behavioral failure. It’s a perspective shift every parent needs.
One question I’ve been sitting with: How can parents balance co-regulation with their own emotional limits, especially when they’re also exhausted or dysregulated? Supporting big feelings in little ones often brings up big feelings in us too. I'd love to hear your thoughts on how caregivers can navigate that tension with grace. To me, most of time I'm patient enough. But when other pressures (work, life, etc.) were also up, I found I needed to try my best to stay calm (it's hard sometimes)...
Great question - even telling kids, "I'm going to go calm down. I will be right back." is helpful to them because they see you using a healthy coping strategy. Then when you do come back, it helps the attachment (because you did what you said you'd do). Or counting to 10 in front of them for your own sake, etc.
Love the idea of telling them "I'm going to go calm down. I will be right back." That teaches them everyone would and can feel frustrated and "helpless". When that happened, we could calm down instead of shouting out or crying. Also we told them we'll be back. And we do come back. This is a brilliant idea!!
And thanks Laura for always taking time to process and reply to me! Appreciate it.
Now, I'm cleaning my front seat for your part-2 next week. :)
Great stuff as always. Just learned some key things here.
As a father, I do think it’s important, particularly for the very defiant child (which we now know has genetic components), to assert hierarchy. Though the hierarchy is there to provide a safe place for all the things you mentioned.
I see too many parents just let the kid “be who they are.” I’m not sure that’s a good strategy. I want to teach them who they are to be, according to societal rules, our beliefs and values.
Learning hierarchical boundaries teaches them about certain aspects of authority in life, teachers, law enforcement, etc.
I’ve been willing to sit down with my kids and talk them through these tough moments as long as they respond. Some would and some would not. When they did not I reminded them that they can and need to trust me because I’m their father. This usually worked when the first thing didn’t.
I also taught my kids that there are rules for how we act at home and how we act elsewhere. This was to prevent them from jumping on their chairs or kicking the chair in front of them at a movie theatre.
I’m afraid not enough parents teach those types of boundaries and find it “cute” when the child acts like he’s in his own living room. I’ve seen first hand what this produces. Counselors call them FCAs. Future clients of America.
this was timely and well written. The mantra for awhile in my house has been "he isnt giving you a hard time, he is having a hard time".
Yes! We even say that to my other children when another child is having a meltdown. Or even if a child is having a meltdown at the part, I simply explain to my kids, "let's not stare. He's having a hard time and I think we can all say we've all had a hard time before."
First of all, I LOVE how you put references in your article. I'm totally going to start doing that. Do you have a complete reference list somewhere for those of us who love keeping up on our literature?
But to my main point. I was nodding in such agreement to toddler are normal. When I meet new families and build their occupational profiles, I always ask if their child tantrums. It's a bit of a trap, I admit. But the family's response - verbal and non-verbal - tells me so much about the family. ALL children 'tantrum' for lack of a better word. There's a huge variation in what it looks like and severity. But no child DOESN'T tantrum. And if they really don't - that gives me as a clinician a lot of information too. How is their dysregulation showing up.
Thank you for this wonderful article! I'm so excited to read more and Part 2.
The references are my thing and I love science communication. As a professor and a mom, I notice a lack of understanding of the science surrounding parenting, child development, and socioemotional health development in kids. I'm working on an overall references page, so stay tuned!
You're right that no child doesn't tantrum - and honestly, same for adults ;)
Agreed - I had a tantrum myself today. And I will look out for the reference list! I agree - I love science communication and it’s actually kind of my path to starting this online communication path. I have a pipeline dream of somehow doing education for families about how to look at these articles and make sense of them. It’s a dream!
Love this, Laura! I don't have kids but I have twin nieces who are 3yo. It's been amazing to see their emotional and cognitive development through the healthy attachment tactics that their parents use. It's cool to see the science behind it as I'm sure it'll help other parents!
I'm so glad this has rang true for you, even as an aunt! Isn't it amazing how their emotional and cognitive development just changes so much from 2 to 3?!
This was such a great article with science background. We used to think toddlers throw out tantrums in order to test us parents. I really appreciated how you pointed out tantrums as a developmental milestone rather than a behavioral failure. It’s a perspective shift every parent needs.
One question I’ve been sitting with: How can parents balance co-regulation with their own emotional limits, especially when they’re also exhausted or dysregulated? Supporting big feelings in little ones often brings up big feelings in us too. I'd love to hear your thoughts on how caregivers can navigate that tension with grace. To me, most of time I'm patient enough. But when other pressures (work, life, etc.) were also up, I found I needed to try my best to stay calm (it's hard sometimes)...
Great question - even telling kids, "I'm going to go calm down. I will be right back." is helpful to them because they see you using a healthy coping strategy. Then when you do come back, it helps the attachment (because you did what you said you'd do). Or counting to 10 in front of them for your own sake, etc.
Love the idea of telling them "I'm going to go calm down. I will be right back." That teaches them everyone would and can feel frustrated and "helpless". When that happened, we could calm down instead of shouting out or crying. Also we told them we'll be back. And we do come back. This is a brilliant idea!!
And thanks Laura for always taking time to process and reply to me! Appreciate it.
Now, I'm cleaning my front seat for your part-2 next week. :)
Great stuff as always. Just learned some key things here.
As a father, I do think it’s important, particularly for the very defiant child (which we now know has genetic components), to assert hierarchy. Though the hierarchy is there to provide a safe place for all the things you mentioned.
I see too many parents just let the kid “be who they are.” I’m not sure that’s a good strategy. I want to teach them who they are to be, according to societal rules, our beliefs and values.
Learning hierarchical boundaries teaches them about certain aspects of authority in life, teachers, law enforcement, etc.
I’ve been willing to sit down with my kids and talk them through these tough moments as long as they respond. Some would and some would not. When they did not I reminded them that they can and need to trust me because I’m their father. This usually worked when the first thing didn’t.
I also taught my kids that there are rules for how we act at home and how we act elsewhere. This was to prevent them from jumping on their chairs or kicking the chair in front of them at a movie theatre.
I’m afraid not enough parents teach those types of boundaries and find it “cute” when the child acts like he’s in his own living room. I’ve seen first hand what this produces. Counselors call them FCAs. Future clients of America.