When Something Scary Happens
How talking about stressful events helps kids + age-by-age tips for what to say
Today I want to talk about something a little heavier, but still deeply practical and backed by research. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or caregiver, you’ve probably faced this question:
“Should I bring it up again?”
Something scary or stressful happened—a lockdown drill, a car accident, a natural disaster, or even a news story that made your child uneasy. Your instinct might be to move on. “They’re not bringing it up, so maybe that means they’re fine.”
But here’s the thing: silence doesn’t always mean resolution.
Let’s unpack what the research says about revisiting stressful events with kids, and why talking about it (gently, and in the right way) can actually help them feel safer, not scared.
Key Concepts
I may not use these exact words throughout, but here’s the framework I’m pulling from when sharing the research:
Co-regulation: How adults help kids handle big emotions—by staying calm, connected, and present. It’s less about saying the “perfect thing” and more about offering steady, supportive presence.
Narrative processing: Kids make sense of stressful events by talking through what happened—sometimes through conversation, sometimes through play or storytelling. Turning a jumbled experience into a story helps with memory, coping, and emotional regulation.
These ideas guide how we support kids—not by pushing them to talk, but by staying available when they’re ready.
Research Spotlight
Talking helps kids make sense of what happened.
A 2003 study by Fivush and her colleagues found that children who talked about stressful events with parents were better able to process emotions and create a coherent narrative of the experience. This helped reduce distress over time and improve memory clarity.
The way you talk matters.
Research by Valentino et al. (2019) shows that elaborative, sensitive conversations (where parents ask open-ended questions and validate feelings) support emotional development and reduce the risk of long-term anxiety after stressful experiences.
Avoidance doesn’t mean relief.
A multitude of studies on trauma exposure in children found that avoidance of talking about the event was linked with more symptoms of post-traumatic stress—not fewer (Davis et al., 2023; McGuire et al., 2021; Meiser-Stedman, 2002; Shenk et al., 2014). Processing (not suppressing) is key.
Long Story Short
You don’t need to force your child to talk about something scary, but keeping the door open for conversation matters. When parents gently revisit stressful events with warmth, curiosity, and calm, it helps kids feel safe, understood, and more in control.
Talking About Stressful Events: What Helps by Age
Toddlers (1–3 years)
What they need: Safety, routine, and emotional tone more than detailed explanation.
Keep explanations simple: “That was loud. It’s all done now. We’re safe.”
Focus on nonverbal reassurance: calm tone, gentle touch, and consistent routines.
Label emotions: “You looked scared. That’s okay. I was here with you.”
Repetition helps. You may hear them “play out” the event—this is normal.
Preschool & Early Elementary (4–7 years)
What they need: Clear, brief explanations and permission to ask questions.
Stick to facts without graphic detail: “There was a fire drill. We practiced being safe.”
Reassure with concrete safety cues: “Your teacher knew what to do. We’re okay now.”
Use play and drawing to help them process.
Answer repeated questions patiently—it’s their way of making sense.
Older Elementary & Preteens (8–12 years)
What they need: A balance of honesty, emotional validation, and space to process.
Ask what they know already before jumping in.
Be ready to talk about fairness, worry, or even what-ifs: “That’s a good question. Let’s think it through together.”
They may not initiate conversation—but don’t mistake silence for coping.
Watch for signs of rumination or anxiety (trouble sleeping, irritability, headaches).
Teens (13–18 years)
What they need: Respect for their perspective, opportunities for agency, and open dialogue.
Validate without dismissing: “That really shook a lot of people. It makes sense to feel overwhelmed.”
Be curious, not confrontational: “What’s your take on what happened?”
Let them help problem-solve or reflect: “What helped you calm down that day?” or “Anything you’d want to do differently if something like that happens again?”
Respect boundaries - they might not want to talk right away. Keep the door open.
Quick Takeaways
Avoidance isn’t healing. Kids need space to make sense of stressful events.
Follow their lead, but stay open. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” goes a long way.
Revisiting the event can reduce distress when done calmly and supportively.
Use simple, age-appropriate language and validate their feelings.
Don’t worry about having perfect answers. What matters most is your presence.
Excellent stuff. Thank you!