“I Do It Myself!”: The Science of Early Independence
Why giving children room to try, and sometimes stumble, is a cornerstone of healthy growth
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“Mom, I can do it myself!” If you’ve ever had a toddler insist on pouring their own juice (and watched it spill across the counter), you know the tug-of-war between a child’s drive for independence and an adult’s instinct to step in.
All three of my children have gone through the “I do it!” phase, and honestly, I don’t think they’ll ever grow out of it, knowing their parents 🙋🏻♀️. Just this weekend, my youngest put on a jacket and refused help with the zipper. I hovered nearby, ready to step in, but to my surprise, she zipped it up entirely on her own.
It got me wondering: how did she learn this? Was it by watching her older brothers? Us teaching her? Or the fact that we’ve encouraged her to dress herself each morning? More likely, it’s a mix of modeling, practice, and the freedom we’ve given her to try. That tiny zipper moment is a small but powerful example of how independence grows when kids are given the space to act on their own.
Parents, teachers, and caregivers often wrestle with the question: How much freedom is too much? Do we risk pushing kids too fast or holding them back when we don’t let them do enough on their own?
Developmental psychology has a lot to say about this, and it turns out that supporting autonomy early on pays dividends for motivation, confidence, and emotional health later in life.
Key Concepts
Self-Determination Theory: A major psychological framework (Deci & Ryan, 1985; Ryan & Deci, 2000; 2024) that says people thrive when 3 basic needs are met: autonomy (a sense of choice), competence (feeling effective), and relatedness (feeling connected).
Autonomy: This isn’t “going it alone,” but feeling ownership over your actions. Kids can be autonomous even with support. What matters is that their choices feel like their own.
Independence vs. Autonomy: Independence is doing something without help (tying shoes). Autonomy is deciding how or when to try, even with a parent nearby.
Research Spotlight
Parent Autonomy Support Matters. A meta-analysis found that when parents encourage choice, listen to perspectives, and avoid overly controlling language, children show higher psychological health, stronger motivation, and better academic outcomes (Vasquez et al., 2015). When kids feel their voices matter, they thrive both academically and emotionally.
Early Autonomy Lays Foundations. Autonomy support during play and problem-solving helps even very young children build persistence, executive function, and later school readiness (Joussemet & Mageau, 2023). Letting a toddler wrestle with blocks today strengthens the focus they’ll need in school tomorrow.
Cultural and Environmental Contexts Count. Denmark’s “forest school” approach shows that environments rich in exploration and trust nurture children’s independence, confidence, and self-esteem (Cerino, 2023). These findings echo Maria Montessori’s idea that prepared environments foster independence, such as a kid-centric setup like cups and plates within reach makes autonomy possible.
Autonomy and Guidance Can Coexist. Psychologists and other experts caution against an all-or-nothing approach. Even preschoolers show degrees of autonomy (as all parents and caregivers know), but they benefit most when paired with “reasonable paternalism”, considered as gentle guardrails that respect children’s choices while ensuring safety and fairness (Ke, 2023; Mullin, 2007). Think of it as freedom with bumpers, like bowling with the guardrails up.
Fathers and Mothers Both Shape Autonomy. Research suggests mothers and fathers often encourage autonomy in different ways: fathers through playful challenges, mothers through responsiveness and perspective-taking (Linkiewich et al., 2021; Zhang & Whitebread, 2019). Children benefit from both the playful push and the listening ear each to foster independence in complementary ways.
Why This Matters
Moments like zipping a jacket may feel small, but they’re practice runs for much bigger developmental skills. Research consistently shows that when children experience autonomy support, they don’t just get better at tasks in the moment—they also strengthen the underlying capacities that set them up for lifelong learning and resilience.
Supporting autonomy gives kids:
A foundation for self-regulation. They learn to manage frustration and persist through challenges.
Confidence in their own abilities. Successes—big or small—send the message: “I can do this.”
Intrinsic motivation. Instead of acting only to please adults, children discover joy in mastery and problem-solving.
Emotional well-being. Autonomy support has been linked with lower anxiety and greater psychological health
In other words, every time we step back just enough for children to try, while staying close enough to provide support if needed, we’re building not just independence in the moment, but the scaffolding for competence, resilience, and well-being that lasts.
What This Looks Like by Age
Toddlers (1–3 years): Let them practice feeding themselves, choose between two shirts, or help clean up toys, even if it’s messy or slow.
Preschoolers (3–5 years): Encourage them to try zipping coats, pouring from a small pitcher, or deciding which game to play. Offer help only if they ask or truly need it.
Early Elementary (6–8 years): Give space for problem-solving: packing their own backpack, choosing a book for bedtime, or deciding how to spend free time after homework.
Tweens (9–12 years): Involve them in family decisions (like meal planning), allow them to set some of their own routines, and let them manage increasingly complex responsibilities (chores, homework schedules).
Teens (13+ years): Support bigger choices such as electives at school, friendships, part-time jobs while staying available as a sounding board. This is where the balance between autonomy and guidance becomes especially crucial.
Long Story Short
Letting kids “do it themselves” isn’t just about spilled juice or wobbly bike rides, it’s about nurturing a sense of agency. Autonomy support like acknowledging children’s perspectives, offering meaningful choices, and stepping back enough for them to try predicts healthier motivation, better self-regulation, and stronger confidence across childhood.
Sometimes, it’s as small as standing by while your child zips their own jacket. Those tiny moments build the scaffolding for lifelong independence.
Quick Takeaways
Autonomy ≠ total independence. Kids still need structure and guidance, but they also need to feel ownership over their actions.
Research shows autonomy support predicts better psychological health, motivation, and achievement.
Environments designed for exploration (like forest schools) naturally foster independence and resilience.
Fathers and mothers may encourage autonomy in different ways, and both are valuable.
Allowing reasonable risks and mistakes is part of the growth process.
Encouraging early independence can be as simple as giving your child space to try—whether that’s pouring the milk, choosing a game, or zipping up their own jacket.
References
Cerino, A. (2023) The importance of recognising and promoting independence in young children: the role of the environment and the Danish forest school approach. Education 3-13, 51(4), 685-694. doi:10.1080/03004279.2021.2000468
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human behavior. New York: Plenum
Joussemet, M., & Mageau, G. A. (2023). Supporting children’s autonomy early on: A review of studies examining parental autonomy support toward infants, toddlers, and preschoolers. In R. M. Ryan (Ed.), The Oxford handbook of self-determination theory. Oxford University Press. doi:10.1093/oxfordhb/9780197600047.013.28
Ke, T. (2023). The development of children’s autonomy and reasonable paternalistic intervention. Humanities and Social Sciences Communications, 10, 874. doi:10.1057/s41599-023-02395-2
Linkiewich, D., Martinovich, V.V., Rinaldi, C.M., Howe, N., Gokiert, R. (2021). Parental autonomy support in relation to preschool aged children’s behavior: Examining positive guidance, negative control, and responsiveness. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 26(3), 810-822. doi:10.1177/1359104521999762
Mullin, A. (2007). Children, autonomy, and care. Journal of Social Philosophy, 38(4), 536-553. doi:10.1111/j.1467-9833.2007.00397.x
Ryan, R. M. & Deci, E. L. (2000). Intrinsic and extrinsic motivations: Classic definitions and new directions. Contemporary Educational Psychology, 25(1), 54-67. doi:10.1006/ceps.1999.1020
Ryan, R.M., Deci, E.L. (2023). Self-Determination Theory. In: Maggino, F. (eds) Encyclopedia of Quality of Life and Well-Being Research. Springer, Cham. doi:10.1007/978-3-031-17299-1_2630
Vasquez, A., Patall, E. A., Fong, C. J., Corrigan, A. S., & Pine, L. (2016). Parent autonomy support, academic achievement, and psychosocial functioning: A meta-analysis of research. Educational Psychology Review, 28, 605-644. doi:10.1007/s10648-015-9329-z
Zhang, H., & Whitebread, D. (2019). Identifying characteristics of parental autonomy support and control in parent–child interactions. Early Child Development and Care, 191(2), 307–320. doi:10.1080/03004430.2019.1621303
This is so true. Kids need that extra minute to struggle and it builds that confidence and self esteem later on. It’s so hard for parents (myself included! 😂) to not step in but we can reframe and use that “helping” energy to reinforce effort and resilience!
Such an important message — independence is needed for growth!
In my opinion, we can expand this further to young adults as well.
Just as kids need room to struggle with zipping a jacket or pouring juice, college students need space to navigate complex ideas, manage their time, and make academic decisions — sometimes getting it wrong before they get it right.
If we, as faculty, try to control every step — dictating every decision, rescuing them at the first sign of struggle — they never develop the confidence, resilience, or independent thinking that higher education should cultivate.
Take academic advising as an example. At many institutions, students must meet with an advisor before registering for classes, largely to prevent mistakes that might delay graduation. The intent is good, but the message is subtle: someone will always double-check your decisions... or make them for you.
Allowing college students to wrestle with problems, while we remain a supportive safety net, fosters the same self-determination and autonomy that developmental psychologists describe in children. It’s not about abandoning guidance; it’s about creating scaffolding so students learn to think critically, make decisions, and own their successes (and failures).
After all, the independence we nurture in toddlers learning to pour juice is the same foundation we build on when guiding young adults toward becoming confident, capable learners who can navigate life on their own.