What I have seen in my time leading couples and parents through difficulties, the apparent common definition of gentle parenting to almost every set of parents I’ve met with means passively allowing the child to explore everything with little to no boundaries.
This is why I struggle with the term “Gentle parenting” at all.
In my experience, I’ve found that it tends to be a perspective thing for parents I speak with. When the perspective is that you’re preparing a child to become a contributing adult to society, the preparation becomes vital and the child is ready for what life will throw at them.
When you “vice grip” a child, not wanting to ever let go of what is for fear of what could be, you stifle their growth and put them at a disadvantage in the real world.
Great article as always. Sorry for the long note. This is clearly a hot topic with me. Lol 😆
I struggle with the term 'gentle parenting' as well, but having evidence-based parenting advice, interventions, etc. are crucial to help end this term's misuse. I do like the idea of reframing parenting as a 'long game' (and I personally remind my kids that my job is to help them become respectful, kind, hard working adults and then we get to all be friends as grownups together). It helps when I'm frustrated with them and see a situation in terms of a learning opportunity for both of us - which, I think, is the heart of authoritative parenting.
This is great!! I always felt like gentle parenting was missing something! I wish in my own parenting I was more consistent in my approach. I feel like I’m a swinging pendulum - sometimes too gentle, sometimes too firm.
Fun fact: there is such a thing as Good Enough Parenting. 👏🏻 And our kids need to see us apologize and repair, they need to see when it’s ok to bend the rules and when it’s ok not to (aka when we may be “too gentle”), etc. Parents are humans, not robots.
Oh my gosh, thank you so much for this! I see people misuse "gentle parenting" so often, and it feels as though folks look at the name and never look deeper than that, contributing to the widespread misapprehension that gentle = permissive.
Meanwhile I have never ever seen a person manage to parent permissively for any real period of time even when they try, because when you do not teach boundaries, and then are confronted with a situation where boundaries are badly needed, the only thing you can fall back on quickly enough to meet the need is authoritarian parenting (you must to listen and comply immediately because I'm the boss).
So people think gentle parenting is permissive parenting; people who try to practice permissive parenting thinking that it's gentle parenting end up creating a situation where their behavior and expectations are completely unpredictable to their child (permissive until permissive is not sustainable, then suddenly authoritarian) and are therefor emotionally unsafe for their kids—and that process eliminates any gentleness that might have been intended.
I think many people think that gentle parenting means we have no boundaries (aka passive, like you said), with the definition of boundaries such as things like spanking, yelling, timeouts, groundings, etc. When in fact, boundaries are simply something the parent will do and not about the child (e.g., "When this show ends, I’ll turn the TV off and we’ll go outside."). But when you don't know how to respectfully, firmly, and kindly set a boundary (and be ok holding that boundary), it can then turn punitive. And thus, as you said, the cycle continues.
You're absolutely right about varied interpretations of boundaries. Another place where I think clarity around the terminology is always really helpful!
The term gentle parenting used to evoke ideas of boundary laxity, coddling, & reflexive parenting responses in my mind (among other ideas).
However, over time my perspective has shifted - now "gentle" parenting reminds me of interacting with my children with respect, kindness, and leadership by example.
I can't fully explain how this shift occurred in my own mind, but I'm glad it did. Somehow it's also a reminder to me that this is my first time parenting, too. I can consistently pursue authoritative parenting and get it wrong 50% or more of the time. How would I want my parents to approach me in *that* situation? I am a sucker for tough love, and yet...I also crave gentleness (sans coddling).
Thank you! Using ourselves as a model is so important - kids are sponges and pick up more on what we do rather than what we say. Whether it's telling them that we feel overwhelmed and are going to take a few minutes to ourselves, apologizing to them when we mess up, or even how we handle problems in front of them. I also think it's ok to give and receive tough love (high demand) - but in a kind, gentle way (high warmth).
Great read. I stayed away from gentle parenting due to the lack of firmness. I have also been drawn to authoritative parenting, and it has shown great benefits for my children for sure.
I remember the first time I encountered the term 'gentle parenting' and was really confused because it was just rebranding authoritative parenting. And using the term 'gentle' never helped, either. If I were to reframe authoritative parenting, I'd maybe use the term 'respectful parenting' - where you are showing your children respect, teaching them to respect themselves, others, and their parents. Because, at the end of the day, that's what authoritative parenting does - it teaches and shows respect and guidance.
Interesting: I just dropped an article this morning on producing resilience in children. “7 Reasons to Be a Loser.” https://open.substack.com/pub/tidbitsofaudacity/p/7-reasons-to-be-a-loser?r=h20p2&utm_medium=ios
What I have seen in my time leading couples and parents through difficulties, the apparent common definition of gentle parenting to almost every set of parents I’ve met with means passively allowing the child to explore everything with little to no boundaries.
This is why I struggle with the term “Gentle parenting” at all.
In my experience, I’ve found that it tends to be a perspective thing for parents I speak with. When the perspective is that you’re preparing a child to become a contributing adult to society, the preparation becomes vital and the child is ready for what life will throw at them.
When you “vice grip” a child, not wanting to ever let go of what is for fear of what could be, you stifle their growth and put them at a disadvantage in the real world.
Great article as always. Sorry for the long note. This is clearly a hot topic with me. Lol 😆
I struggle with the term 'gentle parenting' as well, but having evidence-based parenting advice, interventions, etc. are crucial to help end this term's misuse. I do like the idea of reframing parenting as a 'long game' (and I personally remind my kids that my job is to help them become respectful, kind, hard working adults and then we get to all be friends as grownups together). It helps when I'm frustrated with them and see a situation in terms of a learning opportunity for both of us - which, I think, is the heart of authoritative parenting.
This is great!! I always felt like gentle parenting was missing something! I wish in my own parenting I was more consistent in my approach. I feel like I’m a swinging pendulum - sometimes too gentle, sometimes too firm.
Fun fact: there is such a thing as Good Enough Parenting. 👏🏻 And our kids need to see us apologize and repair, they need to see when it’s ok to bend the rules and when it’s ok not to (aka when we may be “too gentle”), etc. Parents are humans, not robots.
Oh my gosh, thank you so much for this! I see people misuse "gentle parenting" so often, and it feels as though folks look at the name and never look deeper than that, contributing to the widespread misapprehension that gentle = permissive.
Meanwhile I have never ever seen a person manage to parent permissively for any real period of time even when they try, because when you do not teach boundaries, and then are confronted with a situation where boundaries are badly needed, the only thing you can fall back on quickly enough to meet the need is authoritarian parenting (you must to listen and comply immediately because I'm the boss).
So people think gentle parenting is permissive parenting; people who try to practice permissive parenting thinking that it's gentle parenting end up creating a situation where their behavior and expectations are completely unpredictable to their child (permissive until permissive is not sustainable, then suddenly authoritarian) and are therefor emotionally unsafe for their kids—and that process eliminates any gentleness that might have been intended.
I think many people think that gentle parenting means we have no boundaries (aka passive, like you said), with the definition of boundaries such as things like spanking, yelling, timeouts, groundings, etc. When in fact, boundaries are simply something the parent will do and not about the child (e.g., "When this show ends, I’ll turn the TV off and we’ll go outside."). But when you don't know how to respectfully, firmly, and kindly set a boundary (and be ok holding that boundary), it can then turn punitive. And thus, as you said, the cycle continues.
You're absolutely right about varied interpretations of boundaries. Another place where I think clarity around the terminology is always really helpful!
I love this one.
The term gentle parenting used to evoke ideas of boundary laxity, coddling, & reflexive parenting responses in my mind (among other ideas).
However, over time my perspective has shifted - now "gentle" parenting reminds me of interacting with my children with respect, kindness, and leadership by example.
I can't fully explain how this shift occurred in my own mind, but I'm glad it did. Somehow it's also a reminder to me that this is my first time parenting, too. I can consistently pursue authoritative parenting and get it wrong 50% or more of the time. How would I want my parents to approach me in *that* situation? I am a sucker for tough love, and yet...I also crave gentleness (sans coddling).
Great post! And thought provoking comments 👍
Thank you! Using ourselves as a model is so important - kids are sponges and pick up more on what we do rather than what we say. Whether it's telling them that we feel overwhelmed and are going to take a few minutes to ourselves, apologizing to them when we mess up, or even how we handle problems in front of them. I also think it's ok to give and receive tough love (high demand) - but in a kind, gentle way (high warmth).
Great read. I stayed away from gentle parenting due to the lack of firmness. I have also been drawn to authoritative parenting, and it has shown great benefits for my children for sure.
I remember the first time I encountered the term 'gentle parenting' and was really confused because it was just rebranding authoritative parenting. And using the term 'gentle' never helped, either. If I were to reframe authoritative parenting, I'd maybe use the term 'respectful parenting' - where you are showing your children respect, teaching them to respect themselves, others, and their parents. Because, at the end of the day, that's what authoritative parenting does - it teaches and shows respect and guidance.
I agree. My experience was the same.