Tiny Tornadoes: The Science of Tantrums and How to Support Big Feelings (Part 1)
The science of emotional regulation in toddlers and what’s developmentally typical.
Note: This is Part 1 of a two-part series on emotional regulation. Today we’ll focus on toddlers through early elementary. Next week, Part 2 will cover older kids, tweens, and teens—because yes, big feelings happen at every age.
Tantrums can feel like chaos in miniature. One minute your toddler is happily stacking blocks, the next they’re on the floor screaming because their banana broke in half.
It’s tempting to see these outbursts as bad behavior, or worse, a sign that you’re doing something wrong. But here’s the science-backed truth:
tantrums are a normal part of early childhood, and they tell us a lot more about emotional development than defiance.
Today’s post breaks down what tantrums actually are, how young children learn to regulate their emotions, and why your calm presence during the storm matters more than any punishment or perfect script.
Key Concepts
Emotional Regulation: The ability to recognize, express, and manage emotions appropriately. In toddlers, this skill is still under construction.
Co-Regulation: When an adult helps a child calm down by staying calm themselves—offering safety, empathy, and consistency during distress.
Stress Response: Tantrums can reflect a dysregulated nervous system. The brain’s stress systems (especially the amygdala) go into high alert when toddlers feel overwhelmed.
Research Spotlight
Tantrums = Normal Development
Studies show that tantrums peak between ages 18 months and 3 years, which is right when children are learning to navigate big emotions without the verbal or cognitive tools to cope (Potegal & Davidson, 2003).
Most tantrums are triggered not by defiance, but by frustration, fatigue, or transitions (e.g., being told “no” or stopping a fun activity).
It’s Not About Manipulation
Contrary to popular belief, toddlers aren't “manipulating” you. Their brains simply aren’t mature enough yet. The prefrontal cortex (responsible for self-control) is still developing well into the mid-20s (Arian et al., 2013).
Co-Regulation Works
Toddlers calm more quickly and developed better self-regulation over time when caregivers responded with soothing strategies (like soft voices, gentle touch, or labeling emotions) rather than punishment or withdrawal (Ciftci et al., 2024; Edvoll et al., 2023; Noroña-Zhou & Tung, 2023).
This aligns with attachment research showing that consistent caregiver support during distress helps build long-term emotional security (Bernier et al., 2011; Kim et al., 2014).
Why Traditional Time-Outs Often Miss the Mark
Time-outs became popular as a discipline strategy intended to reduce misbehavior by giving children time to "calm down" alone. But for toddlers and young kids (whose emotional regulation systems are still developing) being sent away during a meltdown usually backfires.
Here’s what the science suggests:
Emotional regulation is built through connection. When a child is overwhelmed, they need a calm adult to borrow regulation from—not to be isolated while their nervous system is still in high gear.
Separation increases stress. Studies show that separation from caregivers during moments of distress can heighten anxiety and dysregulation, especially in toddlers (Bernier et al., 2011).
It may suppress behavior, not teach skills. Time-outs might temporarily stop a behavior, but they don’t help the child understand or manage their emotions. Without co-regulation, kids are more likely to repeat the behavior.
What Works Instead?
Rather than using time-outs as punishment, experts recommend:
Time-ins or connection-based calming (Holden et al., 2022). Stay nearby or invite your child to sit with you while they calm down. You can still use a timer if you’d like, but being nearby communicates, “You’re not in trouble for having a big feeling. I’m here to help you through it.”
Name the emotion, offer a calming tool. “You’re feeling really angry. Let’s take a breath together or squeeze your pillow.”
Wait for calm, then talk. After the storm has passed, you can gently reflect: “Next time, what could help you calm down sooner?”
Why It Matters
Tantrums aren’t a sign of failure. They’re a developmental milestone.
Co-regulation now builds self-regulation later. Every time a toddler is soothed by a calm adult, their brain gets better at calming itself next time.
Understanding tantrums reduces overreaction. When adults see meltdowns as stress signals, not bad behavior, they’re more likely to respond with patience than punishment.
So what does supporting emotional regulation actually look like in daily life? Let’s break it down by age and stage.
Age-by-Age Support for Big Feelings
Infants (0–12 months)
What’s happening: Babies rely entirely on caregivers for regulation. Crying is communication, not manipulation.
Support strategies:
Respond promptly to cries—this builds trust.
Use soothing sensory input: rocking, soft singing, gentle touch.
Begin labeling feelings with tone: “That was loud! You’re safe.”
Toddlers (1-3 years)
What’s happening: Tantrums emerge as toddlers experience intense emotions but have little impulse control or vocabulary.
Support strategies:
Stay close and calm during outbursts: “I’m here. You’re safe.”
Label the emotion: “You’re frustrated. It’s hard when we can’t have what we want.”
Keep transitions predictable (e.g., a 5-minute warning before leaving the park).
Don’t take it personally - this is peak “under-construction” brain time..
Preschoolers (3-5 years)
What’s happening: Emotional vocabulary grows, but regulation is still fragile — especially when tired or overstimulated.
Support Strategies:
Encourage naming emotions: “You seem disappointed. Want to talk or draw about it?”
Practice calming routines (e.g., deep breaths, count to 10, hug a stuffed animal).
Offer simple choices to increase their sense of control.
Use books or stories to talk about feelings.
Early Elementary (6-8 years)
What’s happening: Self-regulation skills are improving, but kids still need support navigating social conflicts and disappointment.
Support strategies:
Reflect after the moment: “What do you think made it hard to stay calm earlier?”
Use visual tools (like a feelings chart or calm-down space).
Reinforce that all feelings are okay, even if all behaviors aren’t.
Praise effort: “You were really upset, and you took a break—that’s great problem-solving.”
Long Story Short
Toddlers don’t throw tantrums to test you—they do it because their brains are under construction. Calm connection, not correction, is the key to helping them learn to manage big feelings over time.
Quick Takeaways
Tantrums peak between ages 1.5–3 and are a normal part of emotional development.
Most tantrums are caused by frustration, transitions, or tiredness—not manipulation.
Co-regulation (calm adult presence) teaches toddlers how to calm themselves in the future.
Labeling feelings (“You’re really upset—it’s hard when playtime ends”) helps toddlers begin to understand emotions.
Punishment often backfires—it increases stress and reduces trust, which makes tantrums more likely.
The goal isn’t to stop tantrums. The goal is to support kids through them, so they learn how to ride emotional waves.
Next Week: In Part 2, we’ll explore how emotional regulation continues to develop in older kids and teens, and how to support big feelings at every stage, even when they come with slammed doors or shutdown silences.
This is awesome. I'm curious how the research is for autistic meltdowns vs neurodivergent tantrums. I've noticed for myself there's a very fine line where it becomes a meltdown from a tantrum, and then my presence is almost a demand that he can't handle so it makes it worse. Our whole thing is to be constantly weighing reward vs demand and keep him out of "the red zone."
Would you differentiate between approaches for boys versus girls? (There’s no mention of it that I can see)