What's the Deal with Praise?

A breakdown of person vs. process praise, and why it's ok to tell your kids they're awesome.

What really motivates kids to learn? Is it gold stars? A+ stickers? Or something deeper?

This post breaks down what the research says about motivation, mindset, and the different ways we praise kids—from celebrating their effort to affirming their character. The best part? You don’t need to pick just one approach. When used with care and sincerity, both process praise and person praise can help kids grow, learn, and feel deeply valued.

---

Key Definitions

• Intrinsic Motivation: Wanting to do something for its own sake—like reading a book because it’s fun or solving a puzzle for the challenge.

• Extrinsic Motivation: Doing something to earn a reward or avoid a consequence—like finishing homework for screen time or praise.

• Growth Mindset (Carol Dweck): The belief that abilities can be developed through effort and persistence, not just something you’re born with.

• Process Praise vs. Person Praise:

  • Process praise (e.g., “You worked really hard on this”) focuses on effort, strategy, or progress.

  • Person praise (e.g., “You’re so smart”) focuses on traits that seem fixed or innate.

---

Research Spotlight

1. Praise That Teaches, Not Just Cheers
   Toddlers praised for effort (e.g., “You tried really hard!”) showed more persistence and were more likely to develop a growth mindset five years later. These effects were still evident in 2nd and 3rd grade.¹

2. The Reward Trap
   Over-reliance on external rewards (like stickers or constant praise) can undermine intrinsic motivation—especially in tasks that kids already enjoy.²

3. The Power of Nuance
   Children who received process praise after failure (e.g., “You’re figuring it out!”) are more likely to re-engage with the task and try new strategies than those given general praise or no feedback.³

4. Cultural Considerations
   A recent study compared praise styles in the U.S. and Japan. It found that American children received more frequent praise, but Japanese children—who were praised more for effort and improvement—demonstrated greater task persistence and academic confidence by 3rd grade.⁴

5. The Case For Telling Your Kid They’re Awesome (because they are)
   Recent studies suggest that person praise isn't harmful when used sincerely and not tied to outcomes. Affirming kids’ character (e.g., “You’re kind,” “I love how creative you are”) can boost self-worth—especially when paired with process praise.⁵

---

Why It Matters

When used thoughtfully, praise can:

• Build confidence and motivation

• Encourage resilience after failure

• Support long-term motivation and learning

But if it’s vague, constant, or only tied to outcomes, it can:

• Reduce motivation

• Foster fear of failure

• Lead to fragile self-esteem (especially in perfectionistic or anxious kids)

---

A Balanced Approach Is Best

There’s no need to panic about saying “You’re awesome.” You’re not messing up your kid. In fact, warm, sincere person praise can help them feel seen and valued—just because they exist.

The key is balance:

• Use process praise to build a growth mindset and resilience.

• Use person praise to affirm identity, values, and connection.

• Avoid inflating or overdoing praise—kids know when you’re faking it.

• Save praise for meaningful moments—and be specific.

---

Long Story Short

Praise isn’t about choosing the “right” words every time—it’s about being present, noticing your child’s effort and values, and helping them build a strong inner compass. Whether it’s “You’re so creative” or “You didn’t give up,” what matters most is that it’s true, specific, and from the heart.

---

Quick Takeaways

• Swap “You’re so smart!” → “You worked hard and tried a new way!”

• Don’t praise everything. Save it for when it’s meaningful and specific.

• Praise after struggle matters most (it encourages perseverance).

• Encourage self-reflection: “What did you do that helped this go well?”

You can affirm your child’s awesomeness. Just keep it real, not conditional.

---

1. Gunderson et al., (2017). Parent praise to toddlers predicts fourth grade academic achievement via children's incremental mindsets. Developmental Psychology.

2. Ryan & Deci (2020). Intrinsic and extrinsic motivation from a self-determination theory perspective: Definitions, theory, practices, and future directions. Contemporary Educational Psychology.

3. Bennett-Pierre (2024). Effects of praise and “easy” feedback on children’s persistence and self-evaluations. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology.

4. Ding et al. (2024). Effect of parental rearing styles on adolescent ego identity: the mediating role of involutionary attitudes. Frontiers in Psychology.

5. Brummelman et al. (2017). When parents' praise inflates, children's self-esteem deflates. Child Development.